Monday, July 4, 2011
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
agony
and i thought i'd feel better
after the previous post i had, i thought things were turning out fine. after clearing things up i thought i knew everything. but still i am blind. to make matters worse, i just realized i lost the battle. no fight needed. one way or the other, i'd loose. i lost.
thinking about it, i ask myself. how did it come to this? i made myself think that i was going to be happy. i thought the things i did were making me happy. but no.
now i can't even express how i feel. i don't even know what i feel. how to feel.
just wait. maybe there's more. love perhaps? sadness. i'm waiting. i'll see.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Walls have ears...
What now? Why now...
I feel like crying for the nth time this week. Why does it have to be this way when I thought things were actually pretty fine already. Just when I thought I made the right decision and that God showed me the light. Or whatever it was. I felt free. But only for a moment. God does know how to keep these trials going. And destiny sure has it's way of playing tricks on me.
I thought letting go was the best thing too do. Emancipation. Freedom. Liberty. Whatever you might call it. I was spreading my wings. But all too soon I realized that I was only trapped inside my bubble. Yes, I was trapped. The space around me made me feel like I was able to do what I wanted and be who I wanted to be. But then it was all in my mind. Because I wanted it, I had it. But when I saw things through, they weren't what they seemed to be. I was blinded by my own sense of false happiness. Happiness which at first felt so genuine and lasting. But I made a fool out of myself.
Walls have ears.
Whether it was my friend's way of warning me, or it was just some lapse of judgment, I was warned. I have yet to know the truth. But I do not want to know the truth. I have been hurt enough to know that the truth might hurt so much more. Loving shouldn't be this bad. But when you get to trace the same loop over again, you get too familiar and know that it is a labyrinth, you've been there, you knew how it felt, it's hard to escape. You feel the excitement trying to find out what's next yet you know you'll never know when you will ever find your way out. It's temporary nirvana. But all eyes are on you, ready to cast their judgment.
I am a fighter. But I guess this time, this is not worth fighting for.
I feel like crying for the nth time this week. Why does it have to be this way when I thought things were actually pretty fine already. Just when I thought I made the right decision and that God showed me the light. Or whatever it was. I felt free. But only for a moment. God does know how to keep these trials going. And destiny sure has it's way of playing tricks on me.
I thought letting go was the best thing too do. Emancipation. Freedom. Liberty. Whatever you might call it. I was spreading my wings. But all too soon I realized that I was only trapped inside my bubble. Yes, I was trapped. The space around me made me feel like I was able to do what I wanted and be who I wanted to be. But then it was all in my mind. Because I wanted it, I had it. But when I saw things through, they weren't what they seemed to be. I was blinded by my own sense of false happiness. Happiness which at first felt so genuine and lasting. But I made a fool out of myself.
Walls have ears.
Whether it was my friend's way of warning me, or it was just some lapse of judgment, I was warned. I have yet to know the truth. But I do not want to know the truth. I have been hurt enough to know that the truth might hurt so much more. Loving shouldn't be this bad. But when you get to trace the same loop over again, you get too familiar and know that it is a labyrinth, you've been there, you knew how it felt, it's hard to escape. You feel the excitement trying to find out what's next yet you know you'll never know when you will ever find your way out. It's temporary nirvana. But all eyes are on you, ready to cast their judgment.
I am a fighter. But I guess this time, this is not worth fighting for.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I guess so
I read a letter and made a reply. However, before sending my reply, I noticed one line that struck me. "Guess you wouldn't know". She was right, I wouldn't know......
Last night, I was on the point of writing a new entry here but then I managed not to because of some pointless chat I had.
You see, on my way home, I had some things in mind. I was asking for how long will I be keeping myself single. Will I go a-hunting or a-waiting? Then I realized, if I did go searching, who or WHAT will I search for. And if I do wait, how will I know he's the right one?
And I checked my list. And I realized, there are a lot of loopholes.
I always thought I wanted a short guy. Because I didn't want to look up when talking to him. But then wouldn't it be nice when he embraces you he would look down on you and tell you how much he loves you? You would then look up and tell him the same thing and then disappear in his embrace. Well, an inch or two difference would be fine. Still no to tall guys. They scare me. haha
And I thought I wanted a guy who's intelligent. But hey, I once settled for someone who wasn't, well, that, intelligent (no offense if you get to read this!). But then, I get so annoyed if I get if I lose a conversation. And I just don't lose A conversation, I lose in all conversations! I get annoyed when I know he knows better. I am not proven wrong but I am left helpless! What the! I still want an intelligent guy though. I will just try and practice accepting defeat. ngehk. weird :)
And I wanted a guy who's got that scruffy and dirty look. Because I like it tough. haha But lately I realized that a cleaner-than-scruffy-yet-not-so-clean look would be really nice. I mean, my parents would love that. haha
I want a dark guy. Because that means I wouldn't have to be so conscious as to how I would look beside him. But then a fair-toned guy would encourage me to take care of my skin, diba (ngehks, haiden kho, ishdatchoo i'm referring to?)..
Lately I have been thinking that it is time to move on. Char. but I have moved on. But there are times that you feel alone and you want to be in the comfort of somebody else's arms (jatira). And I have been thinking.
Will I be like this for long? Somebody has been asking me what is my type of guy. And then I say I don't know. I have my checklist yet I don't think the items would suit me just right. What if Mr. Right Guy comes along yet he doesn't score a 100% based on my list? I may have made a wrong list or maybe, I just didn't listen to myself well.
I miss the feeling. Rather, right now, I can't even say if I had the felt the feeling of being in love before. I want to know what it's like again. Now na.
so maybe, "Guess you wouldn't know".. because it would be different every time. totally different. for now, I just want to know how it is to be loved again. in a relationship that i can proudly brag about. in a relationship where there is me, and him, and my family and friends. when it's not only us but you as well (dli pud sharing2x..).
When it's US and the rest of you being happy for us.
ambot oi kung nasabtan ba ko, pero mao na akong na think gahapon ug karon.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
And so there were issues
I laughed off an issue I thought would just pass itself off. It wasn't big. It wasn't that small to be ignored either. But now, it's just not right to let it go. It has gone deeper than I thought it would have. And now, I don't know why I get so affected with things like these.
I don't want to intrude relationships. There may be times I almost crossed the line, but mind you, I never did. Not once in my life do I remember I stepped out of my limits. I know my limits. I know myself.
Yes, and I know myself more than you do. I might act as if I am in the constant search for who I really am, but hello, I do know a great bulk of me. I know how to respect. I know when to react. I know which things matter and which don't.
Lets start off with the rumors.
Rumors are plain rumors. I don't want other people to go judging me. I never judged others. I may say things about them, but I do not judge them for who they are. The best thing for us to do is to understand and accept them. If we see that there's something wrong, help correct the mistake. Don't let these rumors fool you. You might be hurt, but did you ever try to see the other side?
I was part of this baseless nonsense that spread out as rumor. Did anyone ever ask me my side of the story? NO. No one did. They didn't have the guts to tell me. Or maybe, they believed what they heard. They judged me according to what they saw. No solid proof. Just that. And my reputation went from mediocre to negative infinity. And what's so weird about this? I never had an idea that it was there all along. I never thought. Who would have imagined such thing anyway.
Clarifications.
So this issue found it's way to me. At least I was able to face it decently. It was like an exam on a topic which I have never heard of, yet I was assured that I was going to pass. Thanks to friends who care. And thanks to friends who don't. And then I thought everything was alright because it seemed like it was. I talked to the person involved. Said I was sorry (even though now I think I shouldn't have said that since I did nothing wrong). Settled. Closed.
Wrong.
Last night, something weird happened. And I just can't take the alibi. I say ALIBI because I do not know the real truth. I do not talk to a lot of people because I don't know whom to trust. But I did talk to one. And I don't know. I felt like crying even though there was no point to it. I just simply hate the fact that somebody out there thinks that I have been doing something wrong when in fact I wasn't. I shouldn't be bothering myself with these stuff but I can't help it.
I have problems of my own. Matters of the heart of my own. Don't make your condition an excuse to brash. You are making it your shield. Your excuse. Because you couldn't have done it otherwise.
Be brave enough and tell me how you feel. Be brave enough to face the truth. I have done nothing wrong, and I will do nothing wrong. Forgive me for making an issue out of it. I snapped it off in the beginning but I am starting to hear things that concern me. It is just not right. It is just not good.
Tendency is, I will not try to prove you wrong, because I know the truth. He knows the thruth, my friends know the truth. I don't care about your friends or how they think of me.
I trusted your words but then they contradict your actions. I thought it was fine and that it was done, but then I think it has just begun.
So I will annoy you. Yes I will because you have annoyed me enough. I am not afraid.
But if you don't want me to, just say PLEASE. And oh, don't forget the SORRY.
I don't want to intrude relationships. There may be times I almost crossed the line, but mind you, I never did. Not once in my life do I remember I stepped out of my limits. I know my limits. I know myself.
Yes, and I know myself more than you do. I might act as if I am in the constant search for who I really am, but hello, I do know a great bulk of me. I know how to respect. I know when to react. I know which things matter and which don't.
Lets start off with the rumors.
Rumors are plain rumors. I don't want other people to go judging me. I never judged others. I may say things about them, but I do not judge them for who they are. The best thing for us to do is to understand and accept them. If we see that there's something wrong, help correct the mistake. Don't let these rumors fool you. You might be hurt, but did you ever try to see the other side?
I was part of this baseless nonsense that spread out as rumor. Did anyone ever ask me my side of the story? NO. No one did. They didn't have the guts to tell me. Or maybe, they believed what they heard. They judged me according to what they saw. No solid proof. Just that. And my reputation went from mediocre to negative infinity. And what's so weird about this? I never had an idea that it was there all along. I never thought. Who would have imagined such thing anyway.
Clarifications.
So this issue found it's way to me. At least I was able to face it decently. It was like an exam on a topic which I have never heard of, yet I was assured that I was going to pass. Thanks to friends who care. And thanks to friends who don't. And then I thought everything was alright because it seemed like it was. I talked to the person involved. Said I was sorry (even though now I think I shouldn't have said that since I did nothing wrong). Settled. Closed.
Wrong.
Last night, something weird happened. And I just can't take the alibi. I say ALIBI because I do not know the real truth. I do not talk to a lot of people because I don't know whom to trust. But I did talk to one. And I don't know. I felt like crying even though there was no point to it. I just simply hate the fact that somebody out there thinks that I have been doing something wrong when in fact I wasn't. I shouldn't be bothering myself with these stuff but I can't help it.
I have problems of my own. Matters of the heart of my own. Don't make your condition an excuse to brash. You are making it your shield. Your excuse. Because you couldn't have done it otherwise.
Be brave enough and tell me how you feel. Be brave enough to face the truth. I have done nothing wrong, and I will do nothing wrong. Forgive me for making an issue out of it. I snapped it off in the beginning but I am starting to hear things that concern me. It is just not right. It is just not good.
Tendency is, I will not try to prove you wrong, because I know the truth. He knows the thruth, my friends know the truth. I don't care about your friends or how they think of me.
I trusted your words but then they contradict your actions. I thought it was fine and that it was done, but then I think it has just begun.
So I will annoy you. Yes I will because you have annoyed me enough. I am not afraid.
But if you don't want me to, just say PLEASE. And oh, don't forget the SORRY.
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