What now? Why now...
I feel like crying for the nth time this week. Why does it have to be this way when I thought things were actually pretty fine already. Just when I thought I made the right decision and that God showed me the light. Or whatever it was. I felt free. But only for a moment. God does know how to keep these trials going. And destiny sure has it's way of playing tricks on me.
I thought letting go was the best thing too do. Emancipation. Freedom. Liberty. Whatever you might call it. I was spreading my wings. But all too soon I realized that I was only trapped inside my bubble. Yes, I was trapped. The space around me made me feel like I was able to do what I wanted and be who I wanted to be. But then it was all in my mind. Because I wanted it, I had it. But when I saw things through, they weren't what they seemed to be. I was blinded by my own sense of false happiness. Happiness which at first felt so genuine and lasting. But I made a fool out of myself.
Walls have ears.
Whether it was my friend's way of warning me, or it was just some lapse of judgment, I was warned. I have yet to know the truth. But I do not want to know the truth. I have been hurt enough to know that the truth might hurt so much more. Loving shouldn't be this bad. But when you get to trace the same loop over again, you get too familiar and know that it is a labyrinth, you've been there, you knew how it felt, it's hard to escape. You feel the excitement trying to find out what's next yet you know you'll never know when you will ever find your way out. It's temporary nirvana. But all eyes are on you, ready to cast their judgment.
I am a fighter. But I guess this time, this is not worth fighting for.
I feel like crying for the nth time this week. Why does it have to be this way when I thought things were actually pretty fine already. Just when I thought I made the right decision and that God showed me the light. Or whatever it was. I felt free. But only for a moment. God does know how to keep these trials going. And destiny sure has it's way of playing tricks on me.
I thought letting go was the best thing too do. Emancipation. Freedom. Liberty. Whatever you might call it. I was spreading my wings. But all too soon I realized that I was only trapped inside my bubble. Yes, I was trapped. The space around me made me feel like I was able to do what I wanted and be who I wanted to be. But then it was all in my mind. Because I wanted it, I had it. But when I saw things through, they weren't what they seemed to be. I was blinded by my own sense of false happiness. Happiness which at first felt so genuine and lasting. But I made a fool out of myself.
Walls have ears.
Whether it was my friend's way of warning me, or it was just some lapse of judgment, I was warned. I have yet to know the truth. But I do not want to know the truth. I have been hurt enough to know that the truth might hurt so much more. Loving shouldn't be this bad. But when you get to trace the same loop over again, you get too familiar and know that it is a labyrinth, you've been there, you knew how it felt, it's hard to escape. You feel the excitement trying to find out what's next yet you know you'll never know when you will ever find your way out. It's temporary nirvana. But all eyes are on you, ready to cast their judgment.
I am a fighter. But I guess this time, this is not worth fighting for.
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