of hate and love - a sibling affair

This was supposed to be posted last week but i don't remember the reason why I got to post this one very late.
So here goes.

I was watching the video of Spice Girls on my phone because I can't turn on the television nor the pc because the lightning is like a striking disco light tonight. I was feeling the music already (hmm.. won't you let love.. let love lead the way..) when I opened my notebook, because I wanted to study, and found out that the pages were actually ripped! No, just torn. Whatever! I don't know the difference. The tears were in all directions! I super hated it! At least, the pages were still intact (so maybe it qualifies as simply, torn, and not ripped after all). I mean, this is the very same notebook that had already been torn earlier, by whom? That I do not know. I was just assuming that somebody tried to pull out something heavy then, wapak! It got torn in the process because it was just simply in the way. I was even thinking, maybe it was me after all. And it was fine during that time because only the blank pages were torn. This time, the perpetrator's victims were the pages where I wrote my COMPLETE notes and case digests! Boy, am I furious! MY NOTES!!! And the pointers for the exam!!

Hell hath no fury... until...

Until i discovered that it was actually my brother who tore the pages. That my notebook was not the only victim but also my other printouts. At first, he did not admit. But then, the extrajudicial confession came, along with tears and anger. Huh! He was mad at me because I f*ck*n' changed the FONT SIZE on HIS CELLPHONE! And he was just so mad that he couldn't do anything about it. Nobody was around so he did the deed. I couldn't beleive my nine year old brother could do that. At first I got mad at him, but then i felt his anger. I don't blame him. My aunt once threw my uncles notes out into the open sea, well, Lianga Bay, to be exact, just because of some sibling misunderstanding. When they talk about it now, we still laugh it off. Anyway, the incident is somehow a blessing in disguise because I wrote my notes again, typed them this time, saved them on the pc, a flash drive, then printed them. Now, beat that. My brother would have 3 takes before he finally succeeds in any revenge. For now, I hate him for that. But ew, i feel like dedicating Rihanna's song to him.. "I hate that I love you so.."

I just can't let go

Artist: Chicago
Song: After All That We've Been Through

Everybody needs a little time away,
I heard her say,
From each other.
Even lovers need a holiday,
Far away from each other.

Hold me now,
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry,
I just want you to stay...
After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you,
I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

Couldn't stand to be kept away,
Just for the day,
From your body
Wouldn't want to be swept away,
Far away from the one that I love.

Hold me now,
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry,
I just want you to know...

Hold me now,
I really want to tell you I'm sorry,
I could never let you go.

After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you,
I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.
And after all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you,
I promise to.

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Okay, so here I am again at my corny moments.

WHEREFORE, premises considered, decision is to SET ASIDE the issue at hand.

Letting go

I have never been this emotional. Usually, I tell myself, those things are nonsense and that they will only waste my time. Not until now. I never knew I'd loved so much. I want to cry yet I can't. I want to let go but I am holding on. To what? That I do not know.

Is this really letting go?
If it is, please, make it easier for me, if there is an easier way of letting go.

I want to let go and forget. But honestly, what bothers me is what will become of me after this.
Will there ever be somebody for me. Better? I hope not worse.

I once told somebody I am not idealistic. That there is no room for idealists in this world.

I guess I am wrong.
I am wrong.

I'm an idealist, that is why I'm into this kind of trouble. I want a perfect relationship and I am wanting it too soon.

Lord, help me let go. Help me forget my worries for the future. The future is for living, not for worrying.

"Though it hurts like hell, someday, I will forget."
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Artist: Kim Sozzi
Album: Life Goes On
Year: 2000
Title: Letting Go

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free
Now how can I find peace of mind
When you keep coming back again
It's not OK for you to play
This game of see-saw with my head

Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live

And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though hurts like hell
Someday I will forget

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you

It's funny how we seem to end up here
I never thought I'd see this soul disappear

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

And this is letting go
This is letting go
And this is letting go
This is letting go

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night

To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you
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So, is this my "letting go"?

of cracked lips, short bangs, and broken hearts

This was supposed to be my entry for yesterday. You'll know why I was not able to post it on time.
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I shut the pc off because of lightning. It looks like it is going to rain.. well, maybe not.
But there is lightning so i have to stay put.
I'm tired and sleepy but I do not want to sleep.
I stare at the monitor.
Blank.
Lifeless.
I touch my hair and feel it's dampness.
I free it from it's bun.
I slowly felt the softness and smelled its fragrance.
Then without really thinking about it, I got up and placed the mirror in front of my monitor, got the brush and a scissor.
I was ready to trim my bangs.
Again..

This isn't the first time I'm doing this. I do it every time I feel sad. Every time I feel unhappy. Insecure. Alone. Unloved. Troubled. Frustrated. Broken.

He just broke my heart.
I never knew why I fell for someone so different. Someone so special and raw. Someone so unlike me. I was thinking that we would be able to bridge the gap, make a difference and prove to the world that we could do it together and that we are really meant for each other.
Wishful thinking.
You see, most of the time I was simply that- thinking.
Why is reality showing me otherwise? Or am I just too blind to see that something is actually going on, that things are actually happening around me.

We are worlds apart.
No, not the rich-poor type, but still, we set foot on different grounds. We make our worlds meet but our worlds themselves draw us further from each other.

I know he is doing something about it.
And God knows how much I appreciate it.
But the heck, why do I want more? Why don't I ever get satisfied? Why do I see things as temporary solutions- and he sees them as answers. THE answer.
Why do I have so many expectations from him yet I myself do not do anything.
Why do I love him yet hate him a lot?
Why am I so proud of him yet I can't show him off to the world.
Why are there never answers?
Why are these questions undying?

Why did he say that he loves me and that he feels that I love him too but we should be apart.
Why did he say he was honest but it would be better if there would be no more communication between us?
Why was it, that from the very start, I was stuck to him?
Why will I not let all this end even if I wanted it to?
When will there be a guy for me? One that can decide for me. Control me. Love me so much and do anything for me.
I swear, I really thought he was the one.
But what is the status of our relationship right now?

I feel like crying yet I do not want to.
I get a pen and a paper yet the emotions just rush through I don't get the chance to write them down.
I stop.
Stare at the mirror again.
With the brush in my hand, I slowly tidy up my hair.

I see my bangs are long now. Almost the same length as the rest of my hair. I don't remember the last time I cut it. I remember trimming my hair over two months ago though.

I comb my hair and hold the scissors in place. I just have to let this feeling out so that this will be over.
But will this really end the pain that I feel?

Do I really need somebody to control me? And a guy at that?

On another note, I need to control my feelings first. Cutting my bangs short wouldn't spell the difference. But then again, what would?

I covered my face. Tears fell down from my face.
Why can't I just cry everything out?
Why can't I just cry and hide? Never let anyone know.

Stop.

I placed down the scissors.

There's more to life than just this.

I will grow my hair as long as I want it to. Just like before. Before he came.

Besides. Bangs cause pimples.

Surprises

When I was in school today, I already had in mind what I wanted to write for tonight.

Sad, it's 2am and I still haven't done anything productive, let alone finish a blog entry. Something is not right tonight. Oh God, I just hope he wouldn't get to read this. Well, what's the purpose of a blog anyway?

I was answering stupid surveys earlier and I posted them online. Question was, did you ever miss a part of your past. Well, yes, I said. CDO life. Carefree. I could do anything I wanted to. Maybe because I was still younger with nothing much in mind. Or maybe because the people there are just fantastic compared to my relatives here. Or maybe it's just the Kagay-anon culture.

Then I started missing things. Lots of things. Made me feel sad. I wish I could just move on. Move on without ever asking what ifs. Move on without saying goodbye. Move on and be proud.

I was given the options, I was free to choose, and I made a decision. When I left, I left a part of me that I can never get back no matter how I try. It'll be forever gone, and I will be forever changed. For the better or for the worst, I do not know.

One thing is for sure. That I had a happy life. Given the chance to change any of that past, I'd say pass. That I had a happy childhood. That there, I learned to love and be loved.

I left a part of me. No, I'm not taking it back. Keep it with you. I want you to keep it.

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it should have been a 23 to make it even more appropriate. i loved that number ever since. found it as a random number with meaning. random.

Random things from my multiply blog account

10 random things about me.

1. That my all time fave band is the SPICE GIRLS! Sometimes, i grow tired of listening to their music but out of loyalty, I still listen to them. I used to be a DIE HARD fan! Really! Adolescense! I would have been there if they ever had a concert here in the Philippines, even if it were in Batanes or Sulu!

2. That my all time crush is CARLO AQUINO! Many say I'm cheap because of that, but the heck! He is my crush, so what? I like him more than Charlie Korsmo (just in the movie The Hook), Elijah Wood, and oh, i forgot! Ugh! So old school! bwahaha! Loyal eh!

3. That my only sister is getting married. I hated the fact at first because I thought she is too young. Too young? I'm even fit to get married! By the way, she's older than me. Well, that was only my reaction at first because it's like somebody you love is being taken away from you. But hey, she's happy, they're in love- so I am happy for both of them!

4. That my grandparents met and became lovers within 3 months before they finally decided to tie the knot. Same thing happened with my parents. Same with my sister. No, nobody got pregnant. Now, where does that leave me?

5. My first crush was actually Alvin Patrimonio. Next was ---- -------! Bwahahah!

6. I have a thing for short guys. Really. I'm more attracted to them than tall ones. Never had a crush on a tall guy before. Except of course for Alvin. And Doni only grew taller when he transfered to a different school. Look at A.L. And my ever chuva galore D.B. And the guy who just transferred, O.B. hahaha whatever!

7. I love earth colors. But I also love pink! And that there was a point in my life that all my panties were pink. I think that is normal for girls.hihi Outgrew that already though... trying! :P


8. That I'm addicted to paper, in all shapes and sizes! From books to notebooks, to loose leafs to scratch papers. I love them all! :) And my friend Adeline realized that too. She gave me a whole bunch of notebooks and stationeries for Christmas. Nope, no scratch papers at that.

9. That my favorites are actually egg, cheese, and potato! I once made a dish out of the three and everyone at home thought I was only playing with the food. But hey, they ate most of what I made realizing that it was really delicious! And oh, I love tuna too! mmmm! BTW, the egg comes in different forms, balut and all, sans the thing the dirty-minded people are thinking! :)

10. That I am flat-footed, I have a mole on my foot, but dili ko laagan! :) sa masakpan lang! hihi



** i edited the name of my crush because when i tried to search him on google, this was the first hit! ngehks! (03-08-09) okay, i deleted it entirely because it's causing me problems!!!

Giving is Good as Long as You're Getting

That is a line from one of the songs of my all-time favorite, the Spice Girls. Last night, I was listening to a Robyn song which also mentioned something about taking. I really like the line. Not that i am bad, but because i just like the sound of it.

Modern day people give because they are asking for something in return. Well, that's the sad reality.

I made that line my tag on my IM and one of my friends commented on it. What i thought was that, he was trying to say is that, was that line for him? I was good to him, was it because he was good to me too?

Is giving really good because you are expecting something in return?

And then there is that line which says, you always get what you give.

Is the song true?

Personally, i don't give because i am expecting something given back to me. I have always stressed out that because i have the capacity, to give, to love, to help, and to care for others, i do it with my whole heart, not waiting and not expecting for something in return.

We give because we want to. What we get back in return will not be in the form of riches here in the world but will be treasures there in heaven. But we don't do it too because we are storing up for the riches in heaven but because we want to do it out of the goodness of our hearts.

But thinking about it again, giving is good as long as you are getting.

Give. And you get happiness. You earn love. Satisfaction.

It's not just a modern-day bad ideology. It's on one's interpretation.

I give because I also get.

Little Blessings Big Smiles

Today I started again joining the radio program over DYRF. After a year, i'm back again, uhmm, observing the "Kasing-kasing sa Balaod (The heart of law)" program. Well, i thought i would feel the same jitters as i did the first time, but actually, i didn't. I found it enjoyable even if i didn't do a part. Well, i just read an issue but other than that, nothing else. Nothing follows. :P

It's not that i am happy that my voice is heard over the radio. To be honest though, one of my dream jobs is to be a dj. Fat chance on that, I do not like the sound of my voice over the microphone, what more over the air. Anyways, it's just that, today, I felt like a useful person again. :) haha, useful to CLAW, that is. Of course, Feil could have done it alone, knowing that he has already done it a lot of times already, but you see, there is a different sense of fulfilment if you really achieved something, even so small for the day.

I have always thought, and until now, i still do think, that the members of claw do not take me seriously. I was even quite surprised that Lucille contacted me and convinced me to join the BOS and immersion just last summer. I don't really think that she has high hopes on me, whatever, that she convinced me into joining the event, it's just that, I think, they wanted more people to join the activity and it will be such a shame that there will only be 5 of them. No regrets of joining, that was probably one of the best decisions i have made so far, and i thank Lucille for that. What i am so unhappy about is that throughout the whole activity, i actually think i only enriched myself and have not imparted something to the organization. Or that i really did nothing to help out. But now, things should definitely change.

Monette, swim against the tides.

Even though it was just a small thing that i did today, at least, i am starting. And the advocacy lives on.




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if you need legal advice on certain matters and you do not know what to do or you cannot afford a lawyer, you can come to the Clinical Legal Education Program office at the Pelaez St, Cebu City. It's outside the University of San Carlos Main Campus Bldg., just beside the DYRF radio station. The office is open from 1:00-5:00 pm. We would be very glad to help and be of service to you. It's for FREE.

Unravel Me

I have always wanted to blog and stay anonymous.
Maybe because I do not want others to know about myself.
Or maybe because i think others will not accept me for who i really am.
Am i afraid of rejection?
But now i have finally decided.
There is nothing worth hiding in this life. Life is short and i should live it at it's best.
So now i will be opening up.

I will not be afraid.

I will open up without the fear of rejection.

This is me. This is Monette. And this is my blog.