Letting go

I have never been this emotional. Usually, I tell myself, those things are nonsense and that they will only waste my time. Not until now. I never knew I'd loved so much. I want to cry yet I can't. I want to let go but I am holding on. To what? That I do not know.

Is this really letting go?
If it is, please, make it easier for me, if there is an easier way of letting go.

I want to let go and forget. But honestly, what bothers me is what will become of me after this.
Will there ever be somebody for me. Better? I hope not worse.

I once told somebody I am not idealistic. That there is no room for idealists in this world.

I guess I am wrong.
I am wrong.

I'm an idealist, that is why I'm into this kind of trouble. I want a perfect relationship and I am wanting it too soon.

Lord, help me let go. Help me forget my worries for the future. The future is for living, not for worrying.

"Though it hurts like hell, someday, I will forget."
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Artist: Kim Sozzi
Album: Life Goes On
Year: 2000
Title: Letting Go

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free
Now how can I find peace of mind
When you keep coming back again
It's not OK for you to play
This game of see-saw with my head

Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live

And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though hurts like hell
Someday I will forget

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you

It's funny how we seem to end up here
I never thought I'd see this soul disappear

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

And this is letting go
This is letting go
And this is letting go
This is letting go

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night

To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you
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So, is this my "letting go"?

of cracked lips, short bangs, and broken hearts

This was supposed to be my entry for yesterday. You'll know why I was not able to post it on time.
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I shut the pc off because of lightning. It looks like it is going to rain.. well, maybe not.
But there is lightning so i have to stay put.
I'm tired and sleepy but I do not want to sleep.
I stare at the monitor.
Blank.
Lifeless.
I touch my hair and feel it's dampness.
I free it from it's bun.
I slowly felt the softness and smelled its fragrance.
Then without really thinking about it, I got up and placed the mirror in front of my monitor, got the brush and a scissor.
I was ready to trim my bangs.
Again..

This isn't the first time I'm doing this. I do it every time I feel sad. Every time I feel unhappy. Insecure. Alone. Unloved. Troubled. Frustrated. Broken.

He just broke my heart.
I never knew why I fell for someone so different. Someone so special and raw. Someone so unlike me. I was thinking that we would be able to bridge the gap, make a difference and prove to the world that we could do it together and that we are really meant for each other.
Wishful thinking.
You see, most of the time I was simply that- thinking.
Why is reality showing me otherwise? Or am I just too blind to see that something is actually going on, that things are actually happening around me.

We are worlds apart.
No, not the rich-poor type, but still, we set foot on different grounds. We make our worlds meet but our worlds themselves draw us further from each other.

I know he is doing something about it.
And God knows how much I appreciate it.
But the heck, why do I want more? Why don't I ever get satisfied? Why do I see things as temporary solutions- and he sees them as answers. THE answer.
Why do I have so many expectations from him yet I myself do not do anything.
Why do I love him yet hate him a lot?
Why am I so proud of him yet I can't show him off to the world.
Why are there never answers?
Why are these questions undying?

Why did he say that he loves me and that he feels that I love him too but we should be apart.
Why did he say he was honest but it would be better if there would be no more communication between us?
Why was it, that from the very start, I was stuck to him?
Why will I not let all this end even if I wanted it to?
When will there be a guy for me? One that can decide for me. Control me. Love me so much and do anything for me.
I swear, I really thought he was the one.
But what is the status of our relationship right now?

I feel like crying yet I do not want to.
I get a pen and a paper yet the emotions just rush through I don't get the chance to write them down.
I stop.
Stare at the mirror again.
With the brush in my hand, I slowly tidy up my hair.

I see my bangs are long now. Almost the same length as the rest of my hair. I don't remember the last time I cut it. I remember trimming my hair over two months ago though.

I comb my hair and hold the scissors in place. I just have to let this feeling out so that this will be over.
But will this really end the pain that I feel?

Do I really need somebody to control me? And a guy at that?

On another note, I need to control my feelings first. Cutting my bangs short wouldn't spell the difference. But then again, what would?

I covered my face. Tears fell down from my face.
Why can't I just cry everything out?
Why can't I just cry and hide? Never let anyone know.

Stop.

I placed down the scissors.

There's more to life than just this.

I will grow my hair as long as I want it to. Just like before. Before he came.

Besides. Bangs cause pimples.

Surprises

When I was in school today, I already had in mind what I wanted to write for tonight.

Sad, it's 2am and I still haven't done anything productive, let alone finish a blog entry. Something is not right tonight. Oh God, I just hope he wouldn't get to read this. Well, what's the purpose of a blog anyway?

I was answering stupid surveys earlier and I posted them online. Question was, did you ever miss a part of your past. Well, yes, I said. CDO life. Carefree. I could do anything I wanted to. Maybe because I was still younger with nothing much in mind. Or maybe because the people there are just fantastic compared to my relatives here. Or maybe it's just the Kagay-anon culture.

Then I started missing things. Lots of things. Made me feel sad. I wish I could just move on. Move on without ever asking what ifs. Move on without saying goodbye. Move on and be proud.

I was given the options, I was free to choose, and I made a decision. When I left, I left a part of me that I can never get back no matter how I try. It'll be forever gone, and I will be forever changed. For the better or for the worst, I do not know.

One thing is for sure. That I had a happy life. Given the chance to change any of that past, I'd say pass. That I had a happy childhood. That there, I learned to love and be loved.

I left a part of me. No, I'm not taking it back. Keep it with you. I want you to keep it.

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it should have been a 23 to make it even more appropriate. i loved that number ever since. found it as a random number with meaning. random.