of cracked lips, short bangs, and broken hearts

This was supposed to be my entry for yesterday. You'll know why I was not able to post it on time.
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I shut the pc off because of lightning. It looks like it is going to rain.. well, maybe not.
But there is lightning so i have to stay put.
I'm tired and sleepy but I do not want to sleep.
I stare at the monitor.
Blank.
Lifeless.
I touch my hair and feel it's dampness.
I free it from it's bun.
I slowly felt the softness and smelled its fragrance.
Then without really thinking about it, I got up and placed the mirror in front of my monitor, got the brush and a scissor.
I was ready to trim my bangs.
Again..

This isn't the first time I'm doing this. I do it every time I feel sad. Every time I feel unhappy. Insecure. Alone. Unloved. Troubled. Frustrated. Broken.

He just broke my heart.
I never knew why I fell for someone so different. Someone so special and raw. Someone so unlike me. I was thinking that we would be able to bridge the gap, make a difference and prove to the world that we could do it together and that we are really meant for each other.
Wishful thinking.
You see, most of the time I was simply that- thinking.
Why is reality showing me otherwise? Or am I just too blind to see that something is actually going on, that things are actually happening around me.

We are worlds apart.
No, not the rich-poor type, but still, we set foot on different grounds. We make our worlds meet but our worlds themselves draw us further from each other.

I know he is doing something about it.
And God knows how much I appreciate it.
But the heck, why do I want more? Why don't I ever get satisfied? Why do I see things as temporary solutions- and he sees them as answers. THE answer.
Why do I have so many expectations from him yet I myself do not do anything.
Why do I love him yet hate him a lot?
Why am I so proud of him yet I can't show him off to the world.
Why are there never answers?
Why are these questions undying?

Why did he say that he loves me and that he feels that I love him too but we should be apart.
Why did he say he was honest but it would be better if there would be no more communication between us?
Why was it, that from the very start, I was stuck to him?
Why will I not let all this end even if I wanted it to?
When will there be a guy for me? One that can decide for me. Control me. Love me so much and do anything for me.
I swear, I really thought he was the one.
But what is the status of our relationship right now?

I feel like crying yet I do not want to.
I get a pen and a paper yet the emotions just rush through I don't get the chance to write them down.
I stop.
Stare at the mirror again.
With the brush in my hand, I slowly tidy up my hair.

I see my bangs are long now. Almost the same length as the rest of my hair. I don't remember the last time I cut it. I remember trimming my hair over two months ago though.

I comb my hair and hold the scissors in place. I just have to let this feeling out so that this will be over.
But will this really end the pain that I feel?

Do I really need somebody to control me? And a guy at that?

On another note, I need to control my feelings first. Cutting my bangs short wouldn't spell the difference. But then again, what would?

I covered my face. Tears fell down from my face.
Why can't I just cry everything out?
Why can't I just cry and hide? Never let anyone know.

Stop.

I placed down the scissors.

There's more to life than just this.

I will grow my hair as long as I want it to. Just like before. Before he came.

Besides. Bangs cause pimples.